my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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