she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
