shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
