everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
