he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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