Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
