I just pynch a tree in the face
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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