goodnight i made you a song goodbye
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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