I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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