my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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