I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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