Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
