Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
