he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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