apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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