He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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