God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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