I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
do herpes really smell.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
