First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize