Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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