In the future we'll all be gay
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
