Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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