when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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