Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
