her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
