THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize