his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
