If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
