I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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