Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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