when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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