i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
