Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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