I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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