There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
