I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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