Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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