I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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