1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
