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i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
