thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I can't put those talents on a resume
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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