It's like God shit irony all over that family
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
