My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
