I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
