clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
