She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
