True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
