I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
