I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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