speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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