I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
