There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
