I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
