i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
