My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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