update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
