After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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