Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
