You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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