I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
