all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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