Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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