You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
